-As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two…
Sir Norman Wisdom

-One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money.
Edgar Watson Howe

-A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success!
Doug Larson

-A harmful truth is always better then…a useful lie!
Eric Bolton

-When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn’t work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
Erno Philips

- I only go to work on days that don’t end in a ‘y’.
Robert Paul

-We spend the first twelve months of our children’s liv! es teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller

-Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
Victor Borge

-Start every day with a smile and get it over with.
W.C. Fields

-Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Will Rogers

-Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted a whole day.
Mickey Rooney

-Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children.
Men have the same choice we’ve always had: work or prison.
Tim Allen

-If you never want to see a man again, say, ‘I love you, I want to marry you. I want to have children…’ – they leave skid marks.
Rita Rudner

-I’m not afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen

-Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.
Erica Jong

-Don’t take life too seriously, you’ll never get out of it alive.
Elbert Hubbard

-Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
Wendell Johnson

-In life, it’s not who you know that’s important, it’s how your wife found out.

Joey Adams

-I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.
Henry Youngman

-Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born ?
Benny Hill